Dirt Dog Cinema

(Note: this post is Cody’s opinion and Beth may not agree)

Two of horror’s most well-known franchises released new entries last week, and I’ll be spending much of this post ranting about how much I did not care for them. But first, a quick recap of what else we had our eyeballs on since we last checked in. This year, we’ve attempted to watch at least one VHS tape each week. In our last post I mentioned that we had just popped Massacre at Central High into the old VCR. This week we checked out 1989’s The Forgotten One, starring Terry O’Quinn and Kristy McNichol. I had these two films pegged as the most likely to stink up the joint; however, I’m happy to report that they both kind of ruled.

I suppose you could classify Massacre at Central High as a slasher, but it was really more of a twisted revenge story pitting an oddball outcast against the gang of bullies who run Central High. Oddly enough, there did not appear to be any adults present at this school (other than the 30 year old actors playing the high-schoolers). There are a few bizzaro deaths in this one, and the vibe overall is so peculiar, I’d recommend checking it out just for the experience. I just learned that Synapse Films recently released a fancy Blu-ray edition, which is exciting because up until now it was only available on VHS. 

The Forgotten One is billed as an “hauntingly erotic thriller.” Love it! Anyway, this is the story of an author suffering from writer’s block after the death of his wife, while being haunted by a super hot ghost who lives in the basement of his new house. It shouldn’t work, but it does. Terry O’Quinn is great, as always, and Kristy McNichol is hilarious. It drags in parts, but for an obscure relic from the late 80’s, The Forgotten One delivers a pretty god damn solid ghost story with some decent scares, and yes, Terry O’Quinn fucks a ghost. 

We also watched The Pit (weird / funny / pretty great), Neverlake (meh), The Sadness (disgusting, surely a shoe in for the nastiest movie of the month), the Medium (pretty solid, kinda long, but, WARNING: there’s a particularly bad dog death), and Murder to the Tune of Seven Black Notes (a surprisingly reserved Fulci giallo). Okay, on to the hate..

Now, understand this- I am not naïve. I’m a seasoned horror fan and I would never put too much faith or hope into a reboot of (or late-in-the-game entry in) a classic horror franchise. But, it was hard not to get a bit excited about David Bruckner taking a crack at a new Hellraiser. In my opinion, Bruckner absolutely delivered with The Signal, his segment in Southbound, The Ritual, and The Night House. The Ritual is one of the most effective and scariest horror films I’ve seen in quite some time. Unfortunately, not even Bruckner could save Hellraiser from mediocrity. It starts well enough, with some late-80’s / early-90’s vibes. I’m even willing to admit that I enjoyed the first half of the film. Bruckner employs some of the cool, disorienting, scenery-shifting effects he relied on in the Night House, and the Lament Configuration has a nice look to it. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the Cenobites. Frankly, I thought they looked like shit. I’ve read a number of opinions praising the new cenobite designs, and I just don’t get it. Maybe it had something to do with the lighting, but to me, these dudes did not look like evil entities that just arrived from hell. They looked more like some actors that walked straight out of the costume trailer with their shiny new suits. To further piss on the parade, the second half of the movie completely fell apart. I stopped caring about the storyline, the look and feel of the film began to resemble an episode of some below-average tv show, and at one point, I shit you not, the main characters were just laying on the floor for ten minutes delivering their lines. I don’t know . . . maybe it just wasn’t for me, or maybe Hellraiser is doomed for eternity. Or, maybe we need to give another shot (at least one dirt dog slept through the second half of the movie).

Now, onto Halloween Ends. What is there to even say at this point. Halloween Kills wasn’t great, and most people I know had zero expectations for the final entry in the trilogy. Personally, I thought Halloween Ends felt like an AI-generated mess. Nothing on screen could spark even the slightest shred of emotional response within me. Remember when Halloween films used to be fun, even if they were complete trash? Certainly not the case here. This thing was a bummer from front to back. The dialogue felt unnatural, the storyline did not work for me, there was no levity, and I’m sorry, but at this point in our country’s history do we really need to be hyping up the concept of vigilante justice and mob rule? They tried it in Kills, which I’m assuming was filmed before January 6th, 2021, but to continue pushing this theme now just feels irresponsible. The fact that Michael Myers has supposedly been living in a hole next to a homeless encampment for an entire year just exacerbates the whole thing. If this was an attempt to criticize mob rule, y’all fuckin’ failed.  Am I overreacting? Possibly. At least there was a dead kid. I’m always here for that. 

So, TLDR, if you woulda’ told me on September 30th that the two horror franchise giants would be locked in a statistical tie for my least favorite movies of the month, and that our two VHS selections would be sitting high on the list, I’d have called bullshit.. Actually, that’s a lie. I probably would’ve said, “yea, that sounds about right.” Anyway, let’s keep it rockin’. Load up yer’ Jagerblasters and get ready for another week of murderous teenagers, Korean ghosts, and a buttload of creatures. 

Love, Cody